is this normal?

MOVING this BLOG!!!

2011-05-31T21:11:00.000-07:00

I'm changing this blog to:

www.ifonlyfortoday.wordpress.com

come see!

Where are you God?

2010-10-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was sitting on my sofa nursing Luke, my 2 1/2 week old baby boy, eating veggie soap my grandma made, sipping a gluten free beer (I know classy) and scanning through my Bible reading random verses. I came upon this one, "Anyone who wants to be my disciple must follow Me, because my servants must be where I am. And the Father will honor anyone who serves Me." John 12:26 and it prompted me to close my eyes and pray, " Lord, where are You? I want to follow you and be where You are. Will You show Jason and I in the midst of being consumed with baby and lack of sleep where You are-so that we can be there with You?"

I opened my eyes nonchalantly and got excited inside believing God would answer my prayer.

I finished nursing and started the usual burping routine. Luke spat up a bit and I cleaned his face off with the burp rag and stared into his cuteness. Precious, I thought and I thanked God for giving me this beautiful boy. I continued smiling down at my son's face and as my heart filled with gratefulness for my baby the Holy Spirit inside me spoke to me and said, "There I am."

Tears welled up in my eyes and the tinge of loneliness I felt before escaped my heart and I thanked God for being so close to this new mommy in the midst her baby-ness.

it's not about the money

2010-09-15T11:52:00.000-07:00

For the past three days I've asked God each morning, "Lord, who can I bless today? Who can I sacrifice for?"

The first morning after asking God that I was reminded of how I wanted to drop off flowers at my friends' office, letting her know I am thankful for her friendship.

The second day God put a friend on my heart who is moving to Peru with her husband and four kids to work for Krochet Kids a nonprofit that teaches impoverished women how to make hats to sell in the US. In order for my friend and her family to go they need to raise money to support themselves while down there. God put a certain amount of money on my heart for Jason and I to give to them. Now the amount is nothing big compared to what my friend is going to need to be able to move to Peru, but what is exciting is that God will put my friends' family on other peoples hearts and people will donate what they can and it will be neat to see God's faithfulness as her family prepares to move.

So now this morning I was laying in bed half asleep and asked God, "Who should I bless today?" And right away I heard in my head, "Kristin."

So I asked how.

And I heard, "Give her $100."

Now Kristin, who is my sister, just won $50,000 on a TV game show along with my other sister (granted they are still waiting to receive their winnings, but still $100 is chump change compared to that).

So I went back and forth with God for a couple of minutes and then fell back asleep.

When I woke up again and went to go pray I still felt it impressed upon my heart to give my sister this $100. But I was like, "Lord, she just won $50,000, she does not need my $100. I don't want to seem like a crazy lady just passing out money to everybody. So if you really want me to give her $100, when I call her this morning would you confirm it by what she tells me over the phone?" I got the impression from Him that it wasn't the money that mattered and that I should just give it to her. I still wanted confirmation that I was supposed to give her the money. So I called my sister hoping she'd answer the phone in tears desperate for $100.

When I got a hold of her we chatted for a second about how much we miss each other and then out of no where she said, "I had a dream about you last night and you gave me a big gift."

WHAT!! Immediately I started laughing out loud, cause without even having to ask Kristin if she needed the $100, I felt like God was confirming that I was supposed to give her this gift.

Now Kristin and I realize we can't claim to know God's thought process in all this, but we had a great talk wondering why He did this. Maybe He longs to continue to speak to my sister in her dreams, maybe He wants her to do something specific with the $100, or maybe He wanted to show my sister He thinks about her and longs to bless her...

Where was He on September 11th?

2010-09-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

You say you will never forget where you were when
you heard the news On September 11, 2001.
Neither will I.

I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room
with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.' I
held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the
peace to say, 'Honey, I am not going to make it, but it
is OK..I am ready to go.'

I was with his wife when he called as she fed
breakfast to their children. I held her up as she
tried to understand his words and as she realized
he wasn't coming home that night.

I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a
woman cried out to Me for help. 'I have been
knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!' I said.
'Of course I will show you the way home - only
believe in Me now.'

I was at the base of the building with the Priest
ministering to the injured and devastated souls.
I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He
heard my voice and answered.

I was on all four of those planes, in every seat,
with every prayer. I was with the crew as they
were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the
believers there, comforting and assuring them that their
faith has saved them.

I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan .
I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news.
Did you sense Me?

I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew
every name - though not all knew Me. Some met Me
for the first time on the 86th floor.

Some sought Me with their last breath.
Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the
smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way... take
my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me.
But, I was there.

I did not place you in the Tower that day. You
may not know why, but I do. However, if you were
there in that explosive moment in time, would you have
reached for Me?

Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey
for you. But someday your journey will end. And I
will be there for you as well. Seek Me now while I may
be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are
'ready to go.'

I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.

God

(written by anonymous author)

pretty strangers

2010-09-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

In my church community I'm part of the leadership team and just recently I've been given the opportunity to walk in the role of community pastor. I think my sister said it perfectly when she said, "Wow, Kimi five years ago you were agnostic and now you're a pastor!" It's crazy to me too and awesome that God can change someone so drastically. He has a plan and purpose for our lives that sometimes we'd never dream of. I know I NEVER grew up wanting to be a pastor. funny.

Anyways, five weeks ago I was praying for our church community and asked God what He would want as far as a prayer gathering for His people at Rock Harbor south county. I heard, "Pray every other night for the next five weeks."

"WHAT! Where would we do that Lord?"

"Here."

I was praying on my couch so I figured He meant at me and Jason's house.

I sat and thought about it and realized that five weeks made total sense it was exactly how much time I had left on bed-rest for my pregnancy. So I would be home every other night for the next five weeks and I figured what else would I be doing. Praying is never a bad way to spend my time. Even though I was thinking praying in groups can get really boring I still thought how much I long for moments when God reveals Himself and that these prayer gatherings could be time to allow Him to guide our prayers- to see what He might say or show us.

So five weeks ago we announced it to our church community and Jason and I started opening up our home every other night for people to come over and sit and wait in God's presence-asking Him to guide our prayers. For five weeks God has been faithful and we've had a group of people show up every other night. People we know and people we don't. There have been nights when I'm amped people are coming over to pray and other nights when I'm like, "Do we have too? I feel so tired and out of it."

Last night was one of those nights. I was feeling pretty angry about something that had happened earlier and I had a real attitude going on in my heart.

So when one of our regular prayer night attendees brought two friends with her- two friends who were pretty, full of life, and you could just tell loooved Jesus. What did I do?

Yep-got jealous.

So great...angry and jealous-awesome way to start off a prayer gathering at my house-good one Kim.

As soon as we started praying and waiting in the Lord's presence. I got soooo uncomfortable. All that anger and jealousy in my heart was making it very awkward for me. Then one of the pretty, full of life girls said she saw a picture of a tree with deep roots, but she saw some of the roots were disconnected. And then she prayed, "Lord if there is any root of bitterness or lack of forgiveness in those of us sitting here would You heal that?"

And in my head I was like, "Ooh, she is talking to me. I'm super bitter right now about what happened today and I have obviously not forgiven that person who hurt me." I knew I had to confess and say that I forgive that person. So I did-without saying names.

Man, it felt SO good to say it out loud. Immediately tears started streaming down my face and I felt my heart soften and melt. What was moments before a rock in my chest was now a heart more open and ready to think about better things, than the pity party I was throwing before. God was healing my heart.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

James 5:16

Little did I know that God had more healing in mind. Later on as we were praying Jason asked God if there was anything else He wanted us to prayer about.

And then my heart started racing as I thought about how jealous I was of those pretty strangers sitting next to me and God impressed it so strongly on my heart that I knew I couldn't end the night without also confessing that I was so jealous of them.

I took a deep breath, and said, "Guh... this is embarrassing Lord, but I feel compelled to confess. I'm really jealous of, blah blah and blah blah. They came in here and seemed so capable of praying and I saw their love forYou and I confess God I was jealous of it. Your word says that we have not because we do not ask God. So Lord I ask You, I want an intimate and deep relationship with You and I want You to teach me how to pray, like You've taught these two girls..... Huuuhhhh, thank you God for healing me as I confess."

It was silent.

And yet I felt SO much freedom and peace in my soul. There was all of sudden a sense of authenticity in the room and no tension between us anymore.

And then one of the pretty strangers started praying with such a passion and love for me only God could give her and then the other one did too! I was blown away that in the midst of my fleshy and worldly attitudes God used these two strangers to bless me and fill me with soooo much encouragement, as they prayed for the purposes God has for me, for Jason and I, and for our future son.

Gosh I needed- my heart needed- last night so badly...thank you God....

Through us...

2010-08-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

So even though the story I share below happened two years ago, I still feel inspired to post it. I just listened to a pastor online talk about how God is seeking to heal and comfort people and that He does it through us. I want God to keep loving people through me....

Sept 25, 2008

So I walk into church service with Jason at 7pm. We find seats in front of this girl sitting by herself, wearing a cozy sweater, and inside my head I hear God say, “Notice her.”

So I did and I thought, “Hmm, wonder what this is about?”

Then after announcements the pastor had us turn to someone next to us and say hello. I specifically turned around and said hello to just her. We both looked at each other with a specificness only God could conjure. I knew something was up.

During the sermon I asked God, “Okay, what about her Lord? What do you want me to do?”

And He was like, “I want you to talk to her.”

“Okkkkaaay how? I don’t even know her. The pastor is speaking right now, than after that is worship, then we will both get up and leave. How will I have time to squeeze in something before she looks at me weird and takes off?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.”

“Okay, I’ll trust You and be obedient,” but even still the thought came to my mind, “Hmm, maybe I should just pretend I know her from somewhere, just to get the ball rolling.”

But God is way cooler than that because right after the service was over, as I was bending down to pick up my purse off the floor, He nudged me to look at her face on my way up. As I did she was standing there staring straight at me with tears in her eyes and without hesitation said, “Would you pray for me?”

I quickly said "Yes," and told her to come to the back wall with me by the crosses. I asked her if kneeling down was okay and what I could pray for?

She looked at me crying and said, “I’m lost. I don’t know.... I’m just lost.”

So I quickly quieted myself and asked God to help me pray for her. As I prayed she sat sobbing in my arms. So open and needy for God-for His love.

After we finished praying she said that she had just left her church and that she doesn’t usually go to Rock Harbor church services. She was really upset about church stuff. Then I told her what God had said to me in my seat while I was worshiping.

Then she said, “Wow, God told me, 'Ask the girl sitting in front of you to pray for you.' And I told Him, 'Well, aren’t there people in the back with prayer tags on who can pray for me?' He said, 'No, ask the girl in front of you.' 'But she’s worshiping and I don’t want to bug her.' Again He told me, 'Ask her.'”

We both sat there in the back of the church amazed by God and how He had spoken to both of us.

Then we both stood up slowly, said some awkward goodbyes, and shuffled out of the church service with everybody else.

I never saw that girl again.

But that night God blew me away with His ability to use two strangers to comfort one and increase the faith of both.

Where is the "off switch" in my brain?

2010-08-19T09:04:00.000-07:00

As each day draws closer to my newborn sons' arrival I'm finding the hundreds of things to think about as a new mom are turning into hundreds of things to worry about as a new mom, especially lying in bed at night.

Last night my mind was racing. I almost couldn't believe that a person's brain could literally jump from topic to topic in a matter of seconds- each previous thought triggering the next...

"Did I register for the right things? What am I forgetting? Oh, I need to pack my hospital bag! Gosh, I'm scared to give birth, I don't want it to hurt. I don't want to be embarrassed or feel like a wimp if I can't handle the pain. How is it going to go down? There is so many ways the birth could happen, I don't want a c-section. Gosh if I have a c-section how long will I have to recover? Will I have enough help or will I just feel completely overwhelmed with baby. I need to make sure I can have dinner ready for hubby when he gets home from work everyday. I don't want to be a bad wife. I don't want to be a bad mom. I don't want Luke to get sick, but he is a kid and he will get sick. uh, autism, so many boys get it. I'm nervous. i hope we get along with our pediatrician. I heard you need to stay out of public places for awhile until the baby is a little older and his immune system is stronger. How am I going to go to the store or Target or church? i need to talk to my doctor. "

Finally in an exasperated whisper I was like, "Enough, geez! Lord, help me fall asleep. Will you help me turn my brain off? I am so nervous and worried about way too many things."

I was reminded, "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34 and "...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

I was like, "Yes, good-do not worry about tomorrow." and then, "Tomorrow hmm, I think I can pack my hospital bag tomorrow. Who is coming to visit with me tomorrow? I hope I feel awake tomorrow, cause my head really hurts now and I think it's cause I didn't have caffeine today. Well, I'll have my coffee tomorrow and feel better. Dang, I need to call a bunch of people back tomorrow, I couldn't today cause my headache. I hope I have energy to call them.... "

With each thought I start getting sleepier and sleepier and slowly fade into sleep. Thank God. But dang if I'm going to catch my thoughts and make them obedient to Christ I need to realize how quick they run off and grab-em before they do.

her and Him...

2010-07-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Looking at the different women in my life I am continually amazed at how God grows each of them. As they discover Him, His ways, His voice. I watch this person-this woman in His presence and ways really live and come alive before my eyes.

I see peace fill up inside her.

I see her noble and exciting purposes revealed.

I see her marvel at the love He has for her and the intimacy that comes from being lead by Him and hearing His voice.

I see the humility in her tears as she realizes how powerful, good, perfect and gentle He is.

I hear her confess to Him and then watch as He restores her and helps her stand up again to keep running the race, advancing His kingdom-bringing light into darkness.

I see a beautiful, unique, expression through her of God's grace.

Lord, I praise you for the work I've seen You do in the hearts, souls, and circumstances of these woman I'm so privileged to know.

Would you continue to bring those who feel dead inside into the life You promised them...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

John 10:10

"I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." 1 Corinthians 3:6-7

"Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood and as you lay there in your blood I said to you,"Live!"
I [the Lord] made you grow like a plant of the field. You grew up and developed and became the most beautiful of jewels."
Ezekiel 16:6-7

Seeking you...

2010-07-10T18:25:00.000-07:00

"We will never find God unless He first seeks us, but we should remember that He can do so in very different ways.

Sometimes, God jumps on us dramatically... and we have a sharp sense of His love.

Sometimes He quietly and patiently argues with us even though we continue to turn away.

How can you tell if He is working on you now? If you begin to sense your lostness and find yourself wanting to escape it, you should realize that that desire is not something you could have generated on your own. Such a process requires Help, and if it is happening it is a good indication that He is even now at your side. "

-Timothy Keller

weight of temptation

2010-07-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

Restless.
Ungrateful.
Wanting.
Alone.

And then it started. The slippery slope of thoughts that lead to sin. "Well it's not as bad as what other people do." I won't do it again." "No one will have to know." "I totally need this right now." "Nothing else sounds good enough." "Just once." "It'll be fine."

I sat there at my computer. It wasn't even late, but it was quiet in the house. And my selfish thoughts were so convicting it was as though there was another person in the room convincing me I deserved a "good time." The thoughts came so quickly and fast I could feel the pressure of them. I was being tempted and under their weight I had two options: To do what I wanted which was to say, "Yes," or to beg God to help me say, "No."

I stared at the computer screen, my thoughts racing...

and I bowed my head, "God, help me right now. You're going to have to help me. I need your power right now to say no to everything I want in this moment."

I looked up at the computer screen again and I could feel myself justify my desires and overpower any ounce of desire to be the woman God has called me to be.

I bowed my head again, "Lord, please fill me with your Holy Spirit right now, that I would walk in goodness and in light. Not in darkness. God help me be the woman you've called me to be."

In that moment two random thoughts filled my head, "Go watch So You Think you can Dance to get away from the computer," and "Tell someone."

The weight of my desires lifted long enough to get out of my computer chair and walk out of the room. I went out into my living room. Thought about waking up Jason to tell him, but decided against it and thought my best friend would be a better place to start. I texted her exactly what I had been tempted to do and turned on So You Think You Can Dance.

A minute later my phone rang. My best friend was on the other end. Without a question or a need for me to explain, she started reminding me of all the ways God has filled my life with blessings and satisfaction. That the enemy would love more than anything for me to chose sin selfishly without regard for the ripple effect it would have on me, my husband, my future children and what God has called me to do.

She said while I was sitting at the computer heavy in my selfish desires it was as though Satan were standing behind me telling me how great it would all be, how fun, how much I deserved it. And Jesus was standing there too. Waiting for me to chose Him, waiting for me to die to myself and say no to Satan. Without words standing there with love and grace in His eyes for me... as He let me decide.

As she said these things my heart broke and tears streamed down my face.

I couldn't imagine pushing Jesus aside to say yes Satan, yes to the enemy.

As my best friend continued to speak truth into me I realized the power that's in reaching out and getting encouragement from others in the midst of my temptations and struggles. I can't fight alone. I can't.

"See to it brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:12-13

thank you...

2010-06-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

Lord, this bed-rest feels like a precious gift. I beg You and beg You and beg You that the time would not be gobbled up or taken. That I wouldn't waste it. But that I would be still enough to hear Your voice, to follow Your lead, to let You me guide these next four months. There is so much passion and desire in me that just wants to dump out at your feet-You are awesome.

I'm afraid I'll get distracted from You during this time-in Your precious name would You protect me from distractions. Would You set off the alarm in my heart when I am wandering. I want to grow up in You more, I want to be drawn into Your glory and be left in awe time and time again. I want You to show up in my life and that people would be amazed at who You are.

God in the name of Jesus would you reveal yourself through my life.

I ask you to increase my faith.

Who has quirks? Me!

2010-05-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

I love Beth Moore's honest, super fun, loud, and scripturally based teaching. This is one of my favorite teachings of hers on friendship:

listen to Beth Moore teach about friendship

I was also reading her blog and she did this fun thing were she wrote down 10 quirks that made her unique (or weird) :)

She writes, "What are 10 things – right off the top of your head – that we would only know about you if we knew you really well? 10 random things ranging anywhere on your personal map that make you a tad distinctive? Or just plain weird? Think quickly. Don’t go for deep. Go for quirky. Don’t try to put them in any kind of order and don’t make them long. Just start typing. "

*Post random things about you in a comment*

Here are 10 random things about me (Kimi)

1. I hate my pillows touching the ground

2. I love sour cream in my bean burritos

3. I wear acrylic nails, because otherwise my finger nails would be chewed off

4. I freakin love pug dogs, boxers, and french bulldogs

5. Shopping at the mall overwhlems me

6. I don't like the 4th of July, it has become repetitive

7. Car accidents are one of my biggest fears

8. Coffee is the first thing I want in the morning

9. It's hard for me to read fiction books, I prefer non

10. I consider cleaning and reorganzing hobbies

*What are you top ten? Post random things about you in your comment*

I'm beyond done, I'm burnt

2010-04-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

I'm overwhelmed with the amount of responsiblity I have on my plate right now.

I'm: in school full time, on the leadership team within my church community, a host and leader of a weekly community gathering out of our home, interning, graduating from college in 3 weeks, pregnant, a wife, a community pastor and working part time.

All of this spills over and makes seemingly simple tasks like going to Target, getting ready, exercising, cooking dinner, or getting coffee with a friend seem beyond my limit of what I can physically do.

Now, I'm very well aware of the fact that I put myself in many of the responsiblities And some of them I know God has called me too, but I just can't imagine that He'd want me to be this frazzled right now.

I'm also well aware of the fact that this has been a life pattern for me. I'm either doing too little and bored out of my mind or doing too much and telling everyone how busy and stressed out I am. I have no sense of, "K, this is good enough and I need to say no to everything else." you'd think I'd learn the lesson.

I have got to get a grip on this before my baby comes or life will be real fun-gosh.

Some of my anxious prayers I journaled this morning...

April 26, 2010

Jesus, I’m beyond overwhelmed. I have a bunch of things I want to do, need to do, and have to do. I can’t keep them all straight. I feel like I’m falling apart today. I feel so DONE.

Your word says to cast all my anxiety onto You, because you care about me (1 Peter 5:7).

So, what is making me anxious:

1. Mon, Tues, and Wed seem insurmountable to me. Each day is jammed packed with no time to nap, be in Your presence, or grocery shop for much needed food. I am physically, emotionally exhausted because my jammed packed schedule has been this way for weeks and these next few days seem awful. It’s Monday and I don’t have any downtime till Thursday. guh...Would You teach me how to manage this stuff, give me grace to change some things, or grace to deal with them if I can’t change them. I can’t stand facing these problems the same way I always have.

2. Group Project for school- I need energy and time to send out a group email, then go to the library and research Mother Theresa and then write a speech. I just don’t have time. Lord would you help me create time to do this and get good enough grades to get into grad school

3. Finding and getting a counselor who I can afford, works with my schedule, is a Christian, who does EFT. Lord would you help me find a counselor who will lead me closer to You and who will work with those specifications?

4. Exercising: I have barely exercised these last 3 months. I am getting more cellulite and that makes me feel gross, frustrated, and scared. Lord will you help me find time to exercise and take care of my physical body.

5. Hanging out with family and friends. I feel like I will let people down or hurt them if I can’t see them, because I’m too tired, busy with school, volunteering, work, homework, internship, birthday parties, and meetings. Lord would you help learn how to say no gracefully and remind me that people understand.

6. Developing my gifts. Lord I desperately want to be used by you in powerful ways, but I feel like I’m being worn out and pushed to the limit. I have no time or space to seek you. Lord would you rebuke the enemy from trying to discourage me or make me think I’ve got to do everything else, but spend time with you.

7. Missional Community gathering: This whole thing is an after-thought for me, and that is frustrating. I feel like a bad host, ill prepared to lead our team, and I usually enter the night with a sour attitude. I barely scrape by through Monday and Tuesday to sweep into this Wednesday night gathering feeling like I’ve got nothing to give. God you've been so faithful through the whole process. Would you continue to help us get everything organized for the event-would u give each of us energy to do our assigned tasks? And I desperately need your grace to have a joyful attitude about it rather than a complaining frustrated one. Especially since I’m sticking through this and keeping my word to the team.

8. I just feel bad today. I feel down on myself. Like I’m failing at everything. I look like crap, the house is a disaster, I’m not contributing anything of quality to the leadership team, I’m missing out on quality time with my family and friends, I can’t keep my emotions or attitude in check, I have so many ideas, but no time for follow through, I cook like two nights a week, and don’t have time to shop for anything. I feel uncomfortable in my ever changing body and all my clothes don’t fit. I keep forgetting to complete assignments in my classes-I’ve already forgotten a midterm, a paper, and a quiz.
Father, would you help me see all these things through Your eyes?
Life with children will only get more hectic and crazy.
I feel like I’m going to be such a bad mom.
How am I going to do it?
I need your wisdom so badly.
Please help me deal with this...cause I'm burnt...out.

forgiveness & apple pie

2010-04-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

My friend called the other day upset. She knew her boyfriend had struggled with porn in the past, and thought he was getting over it. But then he stumbled again.

She told me that when she got off work that night she was going to have her boyfriend over to tell him they should take a break. Even though after confessing to her and telling her again and again how sorry he was and how he knew what he did was wrong and it made him sick to know he was hurting her-the pain, confusion, and frustration my friend felt was palpable over the phone. Although his apology was sincere she questioned why he was still struggling when he says he loves her and God so much.

She asked me if I thought they should take a break?

Hmm now, I've known this couple for awhile and the fruit in their relationship far outweighs the stumbling blocks they have come across in the last few years, so I told her no and then asked her,"You know that verse in the Bible that says, 'Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.'?" Romans 12:21.

She said, "Yeah."

"Well, what would it look like instead of getting angry at him, telling him all he's done wrong, and that you want a break, if after work you picked up one of his favorite things to eat and told him that you forgive him and that you love him?"

And it was as though within a sentence Jesus came in and sucked all the anger from my friend's heart and with excitement and compassion in her voice she said, "Yes, yes I would love to do that. I already know exactly what I can bring him. Oh Kimi, now I'm so excited to see him."

I hung up the phone so grateful for His Word and really hopeful for how my friend's night would go. It wasn't until after a few days later when her and I got to catch up that I was astounded at the grace Jesus gave this 22-year-old friend of mine to forgive the man she loves.

This is what happened when she got off work to meet up with him.

My friend knew her boyfriend loves apple pie so after work that night she stopped at Marie Calander's, but it was late and already closed-so she ran over to the grocery store and picked up a frozen Claim Jumper pie instead.When she got home she sprinkled graham cracker crust on it and put it in the oven. Her boyfriend was on his way over and she was excited to see him.

Expecting to get dumped for what he had done her boyfriend walked into the house, smelled the apple pie, and saw her standing there grinning.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I'm baking you an apple pie," she said as she walked over to the kitchen him following her.

Stopping in front of the warm oven and in utter confusion he asked, "What? Why?"

And with love and confidence she repiled, "Because I want you to know I forgive you and I love you."

He stood there in front of the oven, his girlfriend who just this afternoon was crying and angry with him on the phone was now giving him love he didn't deserve. His jaw dropped, he reached out, grabbed her around the waist, and held her tight, "I don't deserve you. You truly are a gift from God."

Her voice gentle and passionate she went on to tell him all the ways she's seen him grow over the last year and told him how proud she was of him.

He continued to be amazed at her love for him.

The rest of the night they ended up talking, reading scripture and praying together.

As her and I sat there in the coffee shop catching up I was in tears at the absolute power of forgiveness. Things could have turned out far different for the both of them that night, but with God's grace, a few words, and an apple pie- what evil meant to destroy, God used for good.

May we continue to stop evil in it's tracks as we offer love and forgiveness to each other. Amen.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;

I (Jesus) have come that you may have life and have it to the full. John 10:10

"If anyone has caused [you] grief...the punishment inflicted on him by the majoritiy is sufficient for him. How instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore to reaffirm your love for him." 2 Corinthians 2:5-8

Testing of my heart at Walmart

2010-04-05T13:18:00.000-07:00

I am distrubed by the fact I don't have to go far to be made aware of my heart attitudes toward the poor, marginalized, disabled and outcast. I don't have to take a missions trip to Mexico or visit a hospital, but give me thirty minutes on my lunch break to show me how far I am from the heart of God.

I had to pick up toliet paper today and I work right next to a Walmart (Target is further down the street), so in order to save time on my precious break I decide to go to Walmart, even though I can't stand the place.

And the reason why leads me to a confession and a begging of God to change me.

The minute I walk into that place I feel dirty, out of place, and irritated. I'm surrounded by people who are different from me and it freaks me out.

Different mindsets, different colors, different shapes, different languages, different ages, different status, different clothes, different smells, different cultures.

I'm writing this and my heart is slowly breaking as I realize what my pride is stealing from me. It is stealing the truth. The truth that God loves these people. They are made in His image. He desires each one of them to spend eternity with Him and to restore them as equally as He has and is restoring me.

Oh, Jesus please forgive me. Right now I confess I think I am better than some of your children. I am sorry Lord and I know it is not right-I need your help to change-I want to change.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

He set my feet on solid ground

2010-04-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

By the time I was twenty three years old I'd been raped, pregnant with an abortion, sexually assaulted, physically abused, and told I had a STD; all with different guys.

The stabbing pain of those memories, the dark moments I couldn’t escape, the path my life was taking-I was being destroyed. The weight of it was too heavy for me. I couldn’t see myself right and I felt like no one understood. I didn’t know what to do with all the feelings I had. I just wanted someone to say it was all going to be okay. I wanted to feel protected. But I wasn’t. I was alone.

One night I was lying in my bed balling my eyes out and I cried out loud, "Help me, please somebody help me." I didn't believe in God so I have no idea who I thought would hear me.

But He did.

Three months later I was invited to a church gathering and I said, "No, church freaks me out." Again I was invited and I thought, “Well, I can check it out. It won't hurt.”

That night I heard a clear and concise message about Jesus. I heard a message that said He wanted to love me despite what I had been through or how broken I felt. That He wanted to know me and walk me through all I had experienced. All that had left me confused, pissed off, and really sad.

I sat in that church gathering with tears streaming down my face. Was this Jesus for real?

It has been 4 years since I’ve accepted Christ into my heart.

Jesus has completely flipped my life upside down. From the wisdom He gives me when I simply ask, the blessings He pours out because He’s that good, His powerful life changing Word, to the purpose He’s given me, I am reminded again and again I am not alone.

God is faithful and He wants to continue to do this in others lives.

I pray I am used as a tool for this purpose, for His purpose.

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
      and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
      out of the mud and the mire.
   He set my feet on solid ground
      and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
      a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40

You.

2010-03-31T16:17:00.000-07:00

I heard a speaker today that inspired this blog post...

So, I (Kimi) used to believe that people followed a religion to feel supported or a part of something. That they belonged to a religion, because they needed a crutch or wanted to feel comfortable.

But now I see differently

If I have a choice about what religion to be a part of why would I chose to follow Christ just to belong to a group or to feel comfortable. If those were the only reasons for me to "join a religion" then there are way easier religious options out there to chose from.

This is what the speaker was talking about. He was saying stuff like: There are religions who believe that I could end up being my own god and have my own planet (in my selfishness that sounds freakin sweet!) Or religions that say I could be reincarnated into something better than what I am right now, maybe a superstar or royalty-that my soul is immortal-no reason for heaven or hell.

But I don't chose to follow Christ everyday to just be part of a group or to be comfortable, because sometimes it's not comfortable at all. If I wanted comfortablity I could have chosen one of the many other religions, but I choose to follow Christ because of His compelling character.

I look up to Him in so many ways.

The depth of His love for people- all people- still blows my mind.

The gentle yet powerful way He works in peoples' lives that brings awe & wonder only He can.

How He speaks and moves- I can't help but notice.

His wisdom and insight that guide my steps.

And His deep healing love-I can't get enough of.

Jesus, you are it.

you. are. it.

When I didn't love Jesus

2010-03-09T01:29:00.000-08:00

Jesus, I remember when I didn't know You. People who knew you told me that they loved you, worshiped you and had a relationship with You. I really had no idea what that looked like.

I remember when I was just discovering You and I was in San Francisco lying in bed one night and literally told you that I wasn't even sure of the reasons why I should love you-that I didn't get You, and that I definitely didn't feel close enough to you to love You.

Jesus, it's been over four years since then and Lord it's been incredible to read how the Bible describes you and to watch those words about you come to life as You reveal your characteristics to me day after day.

You are faithful. You care. You are my wonderful counselor. You won't leave me. You teach me what is good. You show me what is right. You are so deep, so loving, so full of life. You get me. You have perfect timing. I love and need Your wisdom. Your passion and goodness I want.You are humble, and patient. I admire and long to have your priorities.To think that you lived to end up suffering, hanging, bleeding in agony, alone on a cross, so that you could restore everything, including me....Jesus, you took me- a girl who didn't get it-cared for me, and showed me You are lovable.

Lord, would you help other girls too? Other girls, who are just like I was, would you show them how much you love them? Would You help them get it?

Waiting...without yelling

2010-02-11T13:20:00.000-08:00

I've been an angry girl lately-pit in your stomach, wanting to punch a pillow, scream at someone angry.

I realized this morning, during prayer as I wrote out everything that was pissing me off, is that it all has to do with me wanting something, or something to be different and I am helpless to change it or get it. And instead of asking God or hoping in God or waiting patiently on God. I've been yelling, crying, asking my hubby or more like demanding my hubby to change things for me.

And God kindly reminded me this morning that I've got it all backwards.

I need to seek first His kingdom which is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.
And yelling doesn't = righteousness, and crying=no peace. And what makes me think demanding something from someone else is gonna get me anywhere when His word plainly says, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from the desires that battle within you? You want something, but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God." James 4:1-3

Now I'm not strangling anyone (yet), but I've seen in the last month how my anger has done it's own fair share of killing. And I'm done. I am sick of being angry. God, I am asking you for what I want and waiting for your help. Patiently.

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him;...refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret, it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land."

Psalm 37:7-9

Let it begin...

2010-02-04T07:52:00.000-08:00

A month ago, worshipping God in my office, door closed, I got down on one knee to bow and I saw a picture. A picture of Jesus on His throne with His hand reaching out to me-there was something in it. So I reached out my hand to His and He put what was in His hand in mine.

I turned over my hand and saw a gold coin.

And a voice within me said, "I'm about to give you more."

Now if any of you know me- before I started following Jesus I was desperate to be rich. I honestly wanted nothing more than to have lots of money. So now becoming a believer God is working on my heart to let that love of money go. BUT guess what the first thing my lame heart thought when I heard, "I'm about to give you more." Yeah I thought He was going to give me more money and I was like, "Whoo who." And like an arrow through my heart I was instantly humbled in front of Him, and the tears flowed from my eyes as I whispered sorry for being so money hungry.

And in His quickness to forgive without skipping a beat I heard the voice say, " Do you remember the parable of the talents?" And I was like, "Um, yeah sorta, but I don't have it memorized." So I flipped to the index in my Bible and found the parable of the talents in Matthew 25: 14

And I sat in my office and read...

"[The kingdom of heaven], it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.

"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

As I finished reading this verse, I said out loud, "God, I am so excited to receive more from You!"

And right back He said, "It won't come without suffering though."

"Oh gosh," I thought freaking out....and then He encouraged me with these verses....

"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, He offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save Him from death, and He was heard because of His reverent submission. Although He was a son, He learned obedience from what He suffered and, once made perfect, He became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey Him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 5:7-10

"Because He Himself suffered when He was tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted." Hebrews 2:18

and so the suffering begins...

oh stuff...

2010-01-21T19:33:00.000-08:00

I was talking to one of my good friends at work and it reminded me of this...

About two years ago I was going through a time when I was-crying everyday, sleeping a ton, eating bags of candy, and getting angry at Jason super easy (I wasn't PMSing cause it was going on and on)

So one of my bible study teachers told me to write down all my issues on a piece of paper and under them put scriptures that will help me see the truth more clearly or that would comfort me. So I did.

I wanted to post em.

Scripture to Transform my mind

1. I feel crazy

God is not a God of confusion, but a God of peace. 1 Corinthians 14:33

My Lord, I belong to you. I tell you what worries me, and you won't let me fall. Psalm 55:22

2. Life is hard, I'd rather die or just go away

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:2-3

3. I’m frustrated with where I’m at in my career

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

The Lord Who bought you and saves you, the Holy One of Israel, says, "I am the Lord your God, Who teaches you to do well, Who leads you in the way you should go. Isaiah 48:17

4. I doubt the existence of God

See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first. As has just been said: "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion." Hebrews 3:12-15

5. I fear trusting God in every area of my life

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding

In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, that transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

6. I am frustrated sometimes when I pray

“Evening and morning and at noon I will pray, and cry aloud and He shall hear my voice.” Psalm 55:17

“If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire and it shall be done for you.” John 15:7

7. I want to numb my thoughts and feelings (by doing outrageous things, drinking, yelling, eating)

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2

8. I feel so empty and hurt

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

The Lord will always lead you. He will meet the needs of your soul in the dry times and give strength to your body. You will be like a garden that has enough water, like a well of water that never dries up. Isaiah 58:11

9. I want to be joyful

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill me completely with joy and peace because I trust in Him. Then I will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

10. I feel depressed

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord.”

Psalm 40:1-2

Guh...

2010-01-16T14:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't spent quality time talking with God today. J and I are going to a wedding this afternoon and he's in it, so he is out doing wedding day stuff.

I'm here by myself at the Country Inn Suites blow drying my hair- feeling lonely and anxious. As I'm blow drying my hair-it gets sucked into the back of it and I have to yank it out to break free, which only irritates my already anxious mood. I start having thoughts like, "Hmm I don't feel like getting ready, I don't like being alone. I should just go lose myself in the internet; flip through Facebook, gmail, blogs, and music videos. I feel crappy and when I feel crappy that comforts me."

As I'm debating about spending my last free moments of the day on the internet instead of talking with God, I eat five cookies. All the while I hear in my head, "None of that will make you feel better."

guh...I want to make the better decision and sit with my bible open- pouring out my heart to God, but I don't -

I eat the 5 cookies and get on the internet to write this.

And now with my free time spent I'm off to the wedding with my hair blow dried, blog written and quality time spent with God=zero

"you have been given fullness in Christ [not cookies or the internet]." Colossians 2:10

aglow

2010-01-09T11:33:00.000-08:00

God has made it more and more obvious what He wants me to do to serve Him in this season. And I can't tell you how weird it is on one hand to experience joy in it as tears well up in someones eyes as they experience His love or when they tell me that seeking Him is what they want to do. But at the same time experiencing fear about being bold and stepping out talking to people about deep things of the heart.

God, I have so much desire to see people seek first your kingdom and your righteousness. Such a strong desire that they would long to love you with all their heart, all their soul, all their strength and all their mind. Would you continue to give me grace? Would you continue to fill me with Your love, so that I can turn around and pour it out? Would you continue to show me how to love and encourage?

Oh, how I need you Lord to..."never lag in zeal and in earnest endeavor; [to] be aglow and burning with the Spirit, serving [You]." Romans 12:11 (amplified version)

love you already

2010-01-07T23:21:00.000-08:00

I see your face all the time. You always look different though, so it makes me curious to know what you'll actually look like.
Sometimes I'll imagine comforting you or reading to you, while you ask me tons of questions (which might irritate me-sorry). Or sometimes I imagine what I'm going to teach you, or how much I'll give you for allowance each week.
I can just picture you in your stripped little onesie.
I am not even pregnant with you and sometimes it will pop into my head, "Oh I hope we have interesting and fun traditions at Christmas time."
And Jason and I joke about your name, well not your name cause we won't end up giving you the one we joke about, but we like Hayley, Camden and Jackson so far.
I long to learn all the intricate parts of your personality that will make you you're own person
I can't wait to pray with you and seek Him together even about little stuff like comfort for ouwies, asking Him to help you not be afraid of the dark, and thanking Him for your mac and cheese.
A friend of mine told me that you're going to bring so much joy to our home, I can't wait to hear you laugh. I crack up easily, so we should have fun!

Precious baby, I want you to know that we are praying for you: your health, your heart and your love for family, friends and Him.

And I want you to know that I'm asking Him to prepare us for you: our health, our family, our friends, our home and our hearts for you.

love you already...

"For He choose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will-to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves." Ephesians 1:4-5

All my heart

2009-12-18T00:02:00.000-08:00

"Love Me with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength."

Mark 12:30

The other night God lead me into a time of worship with Him. It was late and I went into our office at home and shut the door,

"Should I turn on worship music?"

"No," He said, "Just sing from your heart."

And as i knelt down in the dark, my chin tucked into my chest, a crackly soft voice came from my mouth. and I wouldn't have called it singing, but I tried. And as I continued whispering words- wanting to make them rhyme with no accuracy- I began to see my life in different stages: big smiling little girl, seeking teenager, desperate twenty-something and then

He said, "I've always wanted you to love me from your heart. I never wanted to make you make you love Me, but I was always pursuing you. I love this. I love you."

Lord, I love you too...

this dark office, crackly singing, life stages, and Your words

I love You....

BE

2009-12-17T23:22:00.000-08:00

A pit in my lower stomach-slightly sour, tense hands, stiff shoulders, straight neck...gosh why am I on edge? Nothing in my circumstances would warrant this anxiousness.

I was getting the lemons out of the fridge at work on my way to cut them for iced teas I'd serve later that day and I simply asked Him under my breath, "Why am I so anxious?"

And wisdom filled my thoughts, "Because you are always trying to compete. You want to be the best. You're trying to do things that keep you believing that you are the best. The best coworker, sister, leader, wife, friend, daughter. And it's tearing you apart inside trying to keep that together. You are petrified of making a mistake, of looking wrong."

I realized that that fear of looking "wrong" has left me quick to smile, carrying buried opinions and unspoken no's, wishing I could just be.

Jesus...would you continue to help me stop judging all my actions. Lord would You help me believe I'm loved in and through my mistakes.

"And I pray that I , being rooted and established in love, may have the power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that I may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19

I like her blog...

2009-12-10T10:37:00.000-08:00

I like my friend Bree's blog-it's funny, authentic, and she takes great photos

http://breannemichelle.blogspot.com/

Here is one of my favorite posts of hers:

Says Bree:

Have a Jesus conversation with a complete stranger. That was one of my 30 [things to do before i'm thirty] that i honestly was a bit concerned about because clearly i could choose to be "crazy Jesus girl" and force a conversation about my faith and my Jesus on somebody, but that's just not how i roll, nor do i believe it's the best way. leave it to Jesus to have the person i was talking to go ahead and bring him up in conversation - he would... he's cool like that.

so one of my dearest friends got married last night (yay emily & ed - beyond stoked for you guys!!!)

and what happens after the wedding and dinner? a dance party, of course. i was out on the dance floor, busting my amazing white girl moves with some other young life peeps with amazing white people moves (along with the de la llave family that actually has moves) and started hangin' in a group of cousins visiting from new zealand. now that's a good time.

so... on the dance floor, corona lime in hand at one of my best friends' weddings, one of the kiwi cousins, james asks me point blank,

kiwi cousin: "so what's with you guys and your religious deal?"
me: "what do you mean by "you guys" and "religious deal?"
kiwi cousin: "well, you're drinking a beer, but aren't you guys all religious and work for some organization about Jesus and aren't religious people not supposed to drink?"

at this point i begin to explain to him the difference between a religion and a relationship and that for us it's much more than just subscribing to the "laws" of a religious code so that we can be part of the club. (some of you may disagree with this and that's fine. let's chit chat about it. please.)

it's here that he suggests we move off the dance floor so we can stop yelling and we actually have this 15 minute conversation about Jesus. about how Jesus didn't come to condemn people or not let them be part of a "club" he was starting. he came to include not exclude. he came so that we don't have to live by laws and so we don't. we choose to live a certain way and make certain choices because that's how we feel is the best way to live based on scripture and our individual relationship with Jesus, but you're not "excluded from the cool kid Jesus club" if you don't agree - God didn't create puppets, he created people.

he asked some questions about the difference between what new zealand deems "religion" and what us crazy young life people see as a "relationship" and then explained to me that where they live it's a you're-in-or-you're-out religious society. if you go to church and subscribe to a certain set of rules, you're in. if not, you're out...

and i got to tell him that with Jesus you're never uninvited or "left out," you just have to choose to be in. i got to tell him that we are also church people and that those people probably aren't bad people and they probably really do care, but many of them are just scared to go outside of what they know and have these conversations with people who don't.

and i got to tell him that a life with Jesus brings so much freedom - the freedom to choose whether to have a beer or not and celebrate at a wedding with Jesus-lovin' people, the freedom to have these conversations and walk away with neither of us feeling condemned by the other, the freedom to love people where they're at and respect them for that and the freedom to choose a life that is truly life because we believe there's just a better way to live.

something had made james curious about the way we live. our lives demanded explanation and that's just how it should be if we're livin' for Jesus. maybe it was the golf game earlier that weekend with scott, the YL regional director who he said was one of the most interesting and kind people he'd ever met or maybe it was the way we lived life and celebrated ed and emily with such joy and reckless abandon without needing to drink too much (or not drink at all) to have fun, but he saw something different.

i don't know what God's going to do in james' life but i'm grateful for our dance floor chat and i'm grateful that my having a beer with him while being a Christian was what allowed to feel comfortable enough to bring up the conversation. and mostly, i'm grateful that i got to share the Thing that means the most to me with a perfect stranger.

mission 6 accomplished. thanks for that one, Jesus.

So small

2009-12-06T20:43:00.000-08:00

The other night I was up late watching the American Music Awards, Jason had already gone to bed, and in my head I heard the Lord say, "Turn off the tv and talk with Me." Inside I was like, "Really Lord, but there are like four more performances." And again He said, "No really, I want to share something with you." I couldn't whine after that, so I quickly turned off the tv.

I was sitting alone on my big, black, leather couch in my tv room, blanket in tow, lights on, staring up at the vaulted ceilings. And He said, "Lift up your hands." And as I did, in a cupped like position, He said, "See all the things you want like trips to San Francisco, Paris, a full closet of clothes. Those things are so small compared to what I have for you." And as I lifted up my hands higher into the air, they did look so small against the backdrop of my living room, and He said, "Let those things go, and I will do more through you than you could ever ask for or imagine." And as I sat there releasing my cupped hands, symbolizing my letting go of so many of my desires I let out a whimper, “but Lord I realllly want to go to those places…”And it was as though a daddy with compassion on His little girl scooped me up, winked, gave me a big smile and said, “…I will take you places.”

I will take you places…

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."Ephesians 3:20-21

Let no man put asunder....

2009-12-06T00:27:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write a post about marriage. Growing up I was really scared to get married. To me marriage equaled: divorce, cheating, and unhappiness. I feared that if I willingly walked into marriage, just hoping for the best, that I'd end up with a pile of pictures, moving boxes, and custody battles.

Marriages I'd seen looked nothing like something I'd actually want to choose.

When Jason and I were dating and got serious we had a lot of conversations about my fears. Some of these conversations were heated, some were awkward, some emotional (well all of em were emotional on my end), but they always ended good. We would talk about Jesus being at the center. That when we got married we'd take issues to Him and ask for His help and wisdom. That we'd ask Him to help us grow and change and work on stuff. That we'd ask Him to give us perspective. And as we maneuvered through the dating process and started going to counseling and premarital classes-we continued to grow closer and closer together in the vision of what we wanted from a marriage- our expectations, our hopes of what our marriage would represent... what it would be...

Now two years into my marriage with Jason- God has given us a lot of wisdom, passion, hilariousness, patience, and tons of help with issues we've brought to Him.

I praise Him that those fears, I had growing up, gave me a passion for marriage instead of continuing to scare me away from what has been the best blessing of my life.

Jason-I love...... loooove being your wife

A tree

2009-12-01T00:16:00.000-08:00

So, the last couple of days I've been made very aware of some of my bratty attitudes, evil desires, and bad habits. And each time I'm suddenly conscious of these things I'm like,
"Uhhh...gosh that's part of me. I am so sorry Lord. Please forgive me and help me get rid of that."

So, specifically tonight I was made aware of an evil desire, and I immediately confessed it to Him and said how sorry I was. But then I started feeling kind of gross, and I was like "Gosh, am I ever going to get rid of these things?! I feel frustrated and overwhelmed with how much work needs to be done still."

And then He quickly showed me a picture

It was a picture of me, but as a tree. I had big, bushy leaves and fruit hanging from my branches. And there was this one piece of fruit dangling; it was darker than the rest and had obviously gone bad.

As God showed me that even though I, as a tree, desperately wanted some sort of extremity to reach out and yank that bad fruit off of me-I couldn't.

I couldn't

And then in the picture there was a man, a man who looked like a gardener. This gardener walked up to me, the tree, and picked the bad fruit right from my branch. Just like that.

Jesus says, "I am the true vine, and My Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."

I was instantly comforted and reminded of the fact that I can't fix myself. I can't make myself better or good. And it only hurts me if I beat myself up or become frustrated at myself, because I'm not who I hoped I'd be by now.

I'm okay...and it's going to be okay...because He is the gardener and I am the tree.

Thoughts

2009-11-22T20:10:00.000-08:00

The days following my last blog post "List-a-roo", I had tons of thoughts floating through my head...

Thoughts like:

-hmm, I can do most those things even if I have kids

-it was hard to come up with even 12 things I wanted to do, basically 85% of that list was me forcing myself to come up with things that remotely sounded fun or cool (I'm either boring, lazy, or like to do only a few things :))

- I don't have the slightest motivation to do some of those things ( I may need some coaxing-so if anyone is already going to an open mic night then I may consider coming along, well of course only if you invite me)

-that I'd actually rather have our baby here with us than care about going horseback riding this year

and then to top those thoughts off ..I ran across this verse today...

"Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever." I John 2:15-17

Wow!!!Whoa dang! Talk about reshaping some perspective on my "list a roo"! Jesus help- cause I'm definitely not there yet!!! I have lots of cravings for physical pleasure and stuff I see, and even today I took some pride in my achievements.

God, I thank you for who You are and I need Your grace (grace=the influence or spirit of God operating in me to regenerate or strengthen me) to help me look up and not so much around at what I want...

List -a- roo

2009-11-20T15:21:00.000-08:00

My friend did this inspiring blog post about 30 things she wants to do before she's 30, which is in a year-she's to include loved ones in the process, and bring God along the journey..

Her list inspired me to make a list of 12 things I want to do before we have kids... So let's see...

The Twelve things

1. Go on a trip with Jason (missions trip, NYC, Europe)

2. Make a scrapbook of me and Jay's second year of marriage

3. Take a sister trip to San Francisco

4. Go out country line dancing with my best friend

5. Go horseback riding

6. Read one book just for fun or because it's interesting (ie: not textbook)

7. Go to an open mic night

8. Go big for my mom's 50th birthday

9. Learn to bake some gluten free desserts (red velvet cake, cupcakes)

10. worship with Phil Wickham live

11. host a block party/continue to get to know our neighbors

12.****(for number 12 I want your suggestions!)****

ooh and one more

13. Take a mini road trip

Put suggestions in your comments, por favor!!!

state of the heart...

2009-11-20T10:19:00.000-08:00

"Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23

I drew a picture of my heart 4 years ago, before I knew Him. This picture is exactly like the one in my journal...

In it so many confusing feelings: loss, frustration, dark memories, hope not found, overwhelming jealousy, ANGER, insecurity, wanting someone to hold it-me, needing protection.

Deep wounds, stab marks, gaping holes upon gaping holes...

The sad part was that out of this kind of heart...I was doing my own fair share of stabbing and wounding. The choices I made from this place left me more confused and with more pain that I didn't know what to do with. I tried to put up a facade for awhile, but there came a point when the pain couldn't help but seep through. And as the dam broke and crumbled- the mess I was on the inside flowed freely from my lips, sat wobbling in my hands, and turned into who I was.

This mess-this person that I was is who Jason met, once we reconnected again.

When I answered the door for our first date I had the facade up barely, but he soon saw the broken heart
-girl- that I was.

Jason wrote me this letter after we'd been together for awhile, and I think it speaks so clearly of what God did once He got a hold of me and my crappy heart...

Letter from Jason to Kimi:

Hi Gorgeous,

So since I was blessed with the chance to reconnect with you on September 10, 2005, I have seen unbelievable things happen right before my eyes:

I have seen the grace of Jesus Christ transform your heart, soul and mind...in a way that showed me how powerful God is. He changed a girl from living for the temporary self gratification of this world into a maturing woman of God that is now trying to live for our Savior's eternal purposes and kingdom.

I have seen a girl that was so deeply wounded, that she was bleeding hurt, pain and sadness that would affect her emotions and actions...into a follower of Christ where her wounds are healing each day, growing smaller and smaller, until ultimately they will be completely healed with only a small scar showing for the sake of her amazing tesstimony that will glorify God in every way.

I have seen God transform your old perspective into wisdom...and I could continue to go on forever about all the amazing things that I have seen God do in your heart, soul and mind.

He has come in and flipped our worlds upside down...in ways that are so amazing, almost like a dream I never thought could happen. That is how loving and amazing our God is!!

I love you so much Kimi!!! I can't wait for tonight to hang out with our family:)
Love,
Jason

To let go...crappy or not

2009-11-18T23:21:00.000-08:00

I would love to say, "Oh yeah that little stuff- it doesn't bother me, ha I'm so joyful all the time and I always feel great!"

Well that is just not true, and today is an excellent example of how I'd love to have seamless emotions, but in reality I don't.

I'm still in the middle of growing up in Him....

So-today I actually had the nerve to claim that today had been a bad day.
I was cooking dinner when Jason got home and
I was in a real tiffy.
He could tell and I said with a pout,
"I've had a bad day."
And he asked me, "Well what happened?"....

hmmm...What did happened today?

Well...

-I read two looong articles for lab class and then got to class to find out I had read the wrong ones and I couldn't take the quiz. My teacher just said, "Sorry."

-I had a meeting in the late afternoon and my stomach was doing flips before it

-the meeting went really well and I was presented with an excellent opportunity for school

Hmm anything else...hmmm...nope-THAT was it!!!!

What!!!

Are my hormones that out of whack that I could see things so crappy??

Gosh, I am so curious what God thinks when He hears me complaining about what a bad day it's been!?

It's ironic, because at school He actually had enough grace to allow me to literally almost run into this guy, who was in a motorized wheel chair, as I was complaining! What a freakin bratty kid I am! Thank you for waking me up, jeez...

God, I pray that you would forgive me for complaining. That I would be grateful for this day. That I would not see it through my hormones.

That I would let go of my perspective and see Yours...

..."for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose." Philippians 2:14

Something switched

2009-11-14T01:38:00.000-08:00

When I lived in San Francisco I wasn't a believer, but I had started being intrigued by who and what God was. I lived by myself (well with another lady, but we were 25 years apart in age and she was seriously never home). So for me being alone in the city turned out to be a major transition time spiritually.

I would hear stuff from other people like, "If you are sad or need help pray and ask God and He'll be there for you." And I was like,

"Really? Really though?" I needed to know it for myself.

One day I was walking home from school, SFSU, crying and I decided to let my doubtful wall fall for a moment and I let out a honest, irritated prayer- full of all the jealous frustrated emotions I was feeling.

Now, I can't remember if through my tears I waited to hear Him say anything or not, but once I had gotten home, had a snack, and stopped crying and while playing video games- I heard a still clear voice in my head give me the simplest response to what I was crying about on my way home.

I heard that one sentence and everything I was so worked up about fell into place in my heart and mind. It was going to be okay, and not only okay-but something switched in me that day....

I started to desire to hear from Him more and more....

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." James 1:5-8

Spiritually...

2009-11-07T15:05:00.000-08:00

God is so real to me...

I feel like being a Christ follower automatically lumps me into this idea that I only follow a religion, but it's not just a set of doctrines/rules I follow,

it's a living God I seek after...

a living God, who is a Spirit,

These scriptures below are beautiful and I love how they describe Him...spirituality

"God is a Spirit." John 4:24

"The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life." John 6:63

'This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom, but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words." 1 Corinthians 2:13

"Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future." Ephesians 4:3-4

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness." Romans 8:26

"The Spirit told Philip, "Go to that chariot and stay near it." Acts 8:29

"But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace." Romans 8:6

"But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is yet to come." John 16:13

If I let her she will fly

2009-11-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

Desire

If I let her she will fly...

she wants and asks, hopes for something more, gets, then wants again, always asking, always wishing.

She is so full of life, yet never satisfied

"Let's go here, do that, taste this"

Alive, she wants to feel

much more than I could ever give

Wanting her to leave me alone

and she won't

This morning I woke up so tired and quickly left for school, semi ready for my hour drive. As I put in a cd that I haven't listened to in a while I suddenly started to feel really dissatisfied.

I started thinking about ...

traveling to Paris, before having kids

wishing I'd done my hair this morning

taking a girls trip to NYC and walking the streets with our cool scarves and Starbucks

how much I need to exercise

imagining what I'd look like if I actually knew how to put on eyeshadow

hating my breakout

about all the cute accessories I would pick out if we just made more money

wishing my clothes were new

wondering if I was planning and doing my life in the "right" order

It was weird how these thoughts started to make my heart feel like it was sinking.

Huhhhh, what if I'm not living my life to the fullest?

What if my life could be better?

Am I keeping my life from being as cool and fun as I want it to be?!

By the time I got to school I was trying to figure out how to squeeze in a trip to Europe, graduate from school, find a cool job and finally buy those clothes I've been wanting. I was feeling a weird sense of control and yet uneasiness

So I started praying and asking God what He thought about those things. He had stuff to say and it was not exactly the wisdom I was hoping for like, "Book those plane tickets" or "Nordstroms is having a sale", but it was wisdom that reminded me that getting or having those things would erase my current desires, but only make room for new ones.
That He has a good plan and purpose for my life that is truly satisfying and filling. And that if I put Him first (not myself, which I'm so freakin good at) He promises He will bless me in ways I could never imagine...

and it may or may not include a cool scarf

2009-10-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

At Rock Harbor this weekend we learned about what forgiveness is and what it isn't. I wanna share the lists:

Forgiveness does not mean:
   -you approve of what they did
         -you excuse what they did
         -you justify what they did
         -you deny what they did
         -you pretend you are not hurt
         -pardon what they did-sometimes there are consequences
         -you have to reconcile with that person
         -you forget what they did

Forgiveness is:
        -Based entirely on how God treated us
        -Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them
        -refusing to punish the person

It's crazy how complicated relationships can be. I have a really complicated relationship, well non-relationship, with my dad. And although I've forgiven him for what he did do, the hard part is continuing to pray and maneuver through what is still happening now...

...like when I sit at a wedding and I see a father dancing with his daughter-she's so beautiful in her dress and he's smiling at her with tears welling up in his eyes, love overflowing for her -and I watch them as they whisper to each to other, laugh, and turn alone- together on the dance floor... and somewhere deep in my heart I forgive my dad for not choosing that....and then again even deeper still for not being capable of loving me the way I imagine a daughter should be loved....

Again...
and again
and again...
I forgive you daddy...

I have choices

2009-10-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, so you know that classmate who was cusing- anyways him and I just had a great 10 min. discussion about beliefs. He believes that religion is just a means for powerful people to control people. I want to write about this because I have definitely heard this before and this is a real opinion for people.

Hmm...

How is believing in and following Christ controlling me?

-Well that is hard to say, because it started out being a choice for me. I grew up agnostic and then made the choice to believe. No one made me. I am happy I was never forced or controlled into believing.

-My classmate mentioned the ten commandments as laws that are used to control people. But my first thought is those are awesome laws to follow; I don't know any bad that comes from me not murdering. And I don't feel controlled, because I can choose to follow them or not. I am not forced to abided by them if I don't want to.

-I want to bring up the money thing as well, because I've heard the idea thrown around that religion is just a means to control people and get them to give you their money. I haven't been to a church that forces you to give. And if I did it would make me feel awkward, because from what the Word says is that God loves a cheerful giver. Which to me suggests that it's the givers choice whether to give or not. God desires me to give, because of how it affects my character for the better. I don't have to give my money if I don't want to. I can keep it all for myself or give it all away, my choice.

Alright well that's all I can think of for now...ya, I like choices, not control! I was given the choice to believe and follow or not. And right now if I wanted to I could walk away from Him, from my church community, from heaven, from any of it- but I am choosing not to.

To love a classmate

2009-10-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading my friends' blog. In her "about me" section she mentions that her family is in the process of adopting a child and that they desire to bring glory to God in their everyday lives. This friend and her family inspire me. They already have four children of their own and they have the grace to adopt one too! I love it! And it also got me thinking...

How can I bring glory to God in my everyday life?

I am sitting here in class at Cal State Fullerton listening to my instructor, while playing on the internet reading other people's blogs, and I am just as bored, quite, and tired as the rest of my classmates. Really the only tangible difference in this moment between me and the guy sitting next to me is a few unspoken cuss words (before class started he kept saying f*@# as he was describing this artist he loves).

How am I a "city on hill" sitting in class with my sweater zipped up and mouth pursed?
How am I "salt and light" to my classmates with my arms crossed and sighs escaping from me like the rest of them?

It's in these small moments that I really don't feel anymore saved then them. I am a new creation, but really? Where is the Spirit of God living in me in those moments? When I get up from my seat and rush out like I could care less to know any of them, am I totally leaving Him no room to work through me?

Jesus says that they will know us by how we love.

How do I love my classmates?

Lord, I feel like You've been teaching me how to love people in other areas in my life, will you teach me at school...

I guess I am immature

2009-10-03T00:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I am mature
Then days like today happen.

So I have food allergies (wheat, soy, peanuts, and walnuts). This morning I go into work and was eating one of my "okay" snacks and a coworker felt pressed to tell me that I eat like her son, whom she proceeds to tell me is 14months old.
Hmm, not really sure how I was supposed to take that.

I try to pray it off and be the bigger person by ignoring it

That doesn't really work and so begins my unraveling for the day...

When another coworker comes up to me and tells me this amazing God story of how after he prayed on Sunday about money worries that on Tuesday a random person handed him a $1000 check because God told'em he needed it. What! Wow right?!

So sure I was smiling and happy for him, but on top of that happiness was a lot, a lot of jealousy.
I felt like a kid and my dad was playing favorites, even though God clearly does not play favorites

I just felt that way.

Which is immature

Then later another coworker comes up to me as I was ordering my lunch for the day and she looks at my long list of "no this" and "no that" and starts laughing and teasing me. I guess I had had enough because I literally in a slightly frazzled, slightly pissed tone said, "Stop making fun of me."

Whoa wait! Who freakin' says "Stop making fun of me!" Unless you are in 5th grade...again immature.

(sigh) God I am soooooo immature and today proved it...please help me be the woman you want me to be. Please help me be more mature and not be so dramatic, jeez.

A woman's wisdom gives her patience, she earns respect by overlooking wrongs. Proverbs 19:11

Wow God do Your thing

2009-09-21T11:38:00.000-07:00

"But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is yet to come." John 6:13

So a really amazing part about being in relationship with God is that sometimes He decides to show you stuff before it happens.

So this story will start on New Years Eve 2008:

Jason and I decided to stay in and pray that night. And as I was praying by myself I saw a vision of me standing in front of a bunch of college aged kids sharing my life story. And as I saw this picture God told me to not be nervous because all the opportunities to share my story would come from Him and not from my own manipulation.

So I wrote down in my journal what I saw and heard and put a question mark by it.

Okay...wow I thought: one) I hope this really happens because I don't want to feel like I'm hearing things like a crazy person two) I wonder who will ask me to share and three) phew I'm so glad I don't have to make this happen

So two weeks later I'm checking my voice mail and have a message from Bree (who was heading up the college ministry at Rock Harbor Church). She said they were doing a Sex Forum for college students at church and she felt lead to ask me to share my story.

Of course I say yes. And even though God told me not to be nervous I still was and I had to pray tons to get over the fear of speaking. But within the month I was at the Sex Forum, in front of 500 students, sharing what God has done in my life over the last three years.

And fifteen people decided to give their lives to Him that night.

Then in the days following that night God showed me another vision. I was sharing my story again, but this time specifically at a college campus.

I was excited cause I new what the first vision felt like and God made it happen. So now I was really hopeful and started waiting to be asked to speak at a college campus.

A few months passed I started gettin antsy without knowing what college campus I'd speak at or how it would come about. So I prayed and asked God for the right opportunity to share my story at a college, that His will would be done and that He would continue to prepare me to speak.

Flash forward to last night...

After church service at Rock Harbor I was talking with a good friend, and another girl about 21 years old approached me and introduced herself. She asked if I was the girl who had shared my testimony recently at Rock Harbor.

I was like,"Yeah."

And she proceeded to say, "So I do work with Campus Crusades for Christ at the University of Irvine. And I am putting together an outreach for women on campus, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to share your story."

Dude, I probably had the goofiest smile on my face, and all I could say was:

"Yes, I've been waiting for you. I would love to!"

She was floored and we were both jumping up and down thanking God.

Next week I'm meeting with her for coffee to talk about her heart for the women at UCI and what she has planned for the campus outreach.

Man.. I don't know how else to wrap up this blog, except to say:

I love how He works and I am so in.

Oh the joys of how God made us

2009-09-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

I am a very sensitive person. I am starting to realize that God made me that way for a very particular purpose. So being sensitive is cool for me when I'm talking with someone and I can relate to how they feel, or when I can understand what someone is going through and have compassion. BUT and let me repeat this BUT, being sensitive is not cool when:

-I am tired, hungry or stressed

-PMSing. Let me paint a picture...I am pmsing and last night after being at school from 6:30am-3pm then the Dr., then two grocery stores, then home to cook, shower, clean and go to a meeting at 8pm. I was exhausted and on the drive home from the meeting Jason happened to mention that there was laundry that we needed to do and I start crying. Crying about laundry! When I'm pmsing my sensitivity level goes through the roof-I can't handle what I normally can.

-a dog barks, or someone laughs, sniffles, or talks loud. Because I've realized being emotionally sensitive can also mean your just sensitive period.

-someone doesn't like me (this contributes to my people pleasing personality)

-sad commercials come on tv and I cry (this one makes me feel like a sap)

-I start to realize that I cry over everything and wonder if my tears even mean anything anymore

Well Lord at least I know that:

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it." Psalm 139:13-14

And I will continue to be grateful for my sensitivity. :)

Minding my own business

2009-09-09T14:04:00.000-07:00

I feel so relaxed walking to the nail salon, with my treat, a venti vanilla iced latte from Starbucks. It's warm outside and I love being by myself, quiet.

Then I pass a Lampost pizza restaurant and glance through the window. It's empty; except for the chef, cashier and a mom with twin girls about seven years old. I have no thoughts about them and keep walking.

Then inside me I hear a kind voice that is not mine.

He simply says, "Go back and buy them lunch"

I've experienced this quite a few times, so I was convicted it was the Lord. Quickly I turned around and started walking back towards the restaurant, although not without a little talking back, well debating... I'm like, "But Lord, what if she's rich and doesn't need me to buy her lunch?" or
"What if I just didn't see her husband and she's totally taken care of, that would be awkward." But still the conviction inside me would not leave and I took a deep breath and walked into the pizza parlor.

Oh gosh, it was really quiet in the parlor, and I started getting nervous/excited. I went to the cashier and said, "Um, I want to buy that lady and her kids over there in that booth lunch."

"Well, she already paid, but I can delete the payment and you can pay with your debt card."

"Sure, " I said

"It'll be $32.89," he said. I was surprised at how nonchalant this whole exchange was with him. Like random people always come in and pay for other peoples meals...maybe they do?

Now, the super awkward part. I walk up to her table with my receipt in hand and say, "Um, so this is going to sound really weird, but I felt like God wanted me to buy you guys lunch. So I paid for your tab."

I stop talking, waiting for her to say something, anything...and she said-

"Wow, thank you. My daughters and I are here having lunch after vacation bible school. We came here because we are checking out this community to see if we'd like to move here. I actually prayed this morning that if God wanted us to move here that He would give us a sign. "

We talked more and I find out she is divorced and her and her twins are living with her brother 40 minutes north.

Now, I'm not sure if she'll ever actually end up moving to my community one day, but I am thankful to know how big God is to answer prayers for other people-even when I'm just minding my own business.

Distractions

2009-09-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

What distracted me today from spending alone time with God?

1. I wanted to get to the beach early enough to beat the crowds, so oops there goes my morning and afternoon

2. At the beach I had school texts and other "easier" books to read then the Bible. Lord forgive me. :(

3. After beach we went straight to my in-laws house for a BBQ, and it's awkward to step away and say, "Hey I'm just going to go upstairs and pray."

4. Well number four has lead me up to right now...I could easily use a bunch of distractions cause right at 8:45pm- I'm tired, my stomach kind of hurts (I'm full. I ate too many chips and guac.), and it seems more relaxing to go take a shower then to sit before the Lord.

BUT I'm going to muster up the tiny-est amount of motivation and love and go talk with Him. Jason is watching a football game so I have a minute or two.

Gosh Lord help me and give me strength to love you with all my heart tonight.

This is how God found me....

2009-09-07T00:24:00.001-07:00

July 24 2005

On the floor, in a pile. Desperate. Me. Overwhelmed. Lonely, missing...desperate missing. Hurt not touched, not known. Someone just scoop me up. Squeeze me. Remind me I'm worth it. Tell me you won't leave me, don't you dare leave me. Please! Don't leave me! stay. Someone tell me you understand, you've been here too. I'm not crazy. I swear I'm not negative, I just need a hug, someone to say it's okay to hurt. I have no one. Someone to say, "Kimi, you're okay just the way you are." I can't smile anymore tonight, please tell me that's fine. I have no purpose. Empty, slow, hungry. Someone understand, no judging. hurting so much, wanting so much. Hitting bottom, let me die. people don't get me, i'm too much. Too much pain, confusion, need, hurt, tears. crying out. Hear me. Someone....please....

And then God did. He heard me. He rushed into my life. He sent me an angel. He told me I'm worth it. I am worth it. I can tell Him anything. He is excited for my purpose and what we'll do together. Together.

That summer, He picked me up off that floor, off the bottom, out of my pain, and now He won't dare leave.

I get stressed out

2009-09-06T09:23:00.001-07:00

I want to see what stresses me out to today. I want to see if I get stressed too easily. I'm going with- I do. Hmm.
I will report back at the end of the day....post to be continued....

Okay continuing post...this is what stressed me out/made me anxious today:
-I got to the coffee shop and realized I left my wallet at home
-I got to the coffee shop late and realized I only had 40 mins to read instead of a solid hour
-(that last one is lame)
-I wait tables for work and today as I was frantically trying to close out two checks, my customer gluped down the rest of his root beer. The empty glass made me stressed.
-When I was on my way home from work thinking about what to make for dinner
-My husband came home from a trip tonight and when I got home from work I was trying to figure out how I could squeeze in the gym before I showered, wash and do my hair for him, go to the grocery store, wash our sheets, tidy up, start and finish dinner by 6pm

So, observation: when I would catch my self running around, tensing up or just straight not breathing I kind of realized I get stressed or tense a lot throughout the day, and really for no good reason. Lame.

I want to be like that

2009-09-06T00:58:00.000-07:00

I saw her today. Thirty five, brown short hair. With a woman's hairstyle; a woman's hairstyle like she knows she's a woman, not a teenager or twenty four/ twenty five year old, but a woman. Her dress was navy and to her knees, tight-but not too tight. I loved her red wallet and tan skin, perfectly manicured toes, and silver bracelet.

I saw her today- the woman I want to be.

I keep thinking one day I'll be her-the woman I want to be. One day I'll always have manicured toes-never chipping. One day I'll have a nice wallet, purse and shoes. One day I'll be confident. One day I'll feel like a woman, not a girl or something in the middle. One day....

phmmm (phmmm=deep sigh)

Why is this important to me? I feel like I sound so shallow, but as I was sitting at Starbucks staring at her, thinking I want to be like that-it mattered to me.

Gosh Lord where are You in any of my girl...ish thoughts?

Cursing under my breath

2008-10-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

I decided to sit down and write when I realized I was cursing under my breath about my egg breakfast. I feel so lonely. I want to experience the promises of God. He says, I will never leave you or forsake you. He fellowships with me. And yet I still feel alone most of the time. Yes there are amazing times spent with God, but they are not constant. Open my eyes Lord to how you are always at work around me, shift my perspective to see everything is all about you. Because right now its not and I can tell from my attitude.

Okay I will have a victorious day at work today, but I need your help God. K there is a will of God in every situation, You are always at work. You speak to me through the church, prayer, the Bible, and circumstances. You have chosen me to do good works, and I can only do what I see you doing. I don't have to manifest stuff, and I can cast all my anxiety onto you....let's see how today goes and how I am able to use the weapons of praise, the Word, and thanksgiving to fight the evil one in his attempt to steal my joy.

Some better kind of Mind

2008-05-02T16:24:00.000-07:00

God says He'll turn my ashes to beauty...His power is made perfect in my weakness.

My ashes: anger, things not gone my way, gross memories of a different me, desires to be noticed, desires to be liked, worthlessness, I am disgusting, who would want me, I'm not cool, I wish I could be cool, she's hot, if I could just drink it'd feel better...I wouldn't be afraid, will i feel better about who I am if I wear this, the amount of attention I pay to fat, that's annoying/she's annoying/he's annoying, I don't deserve that, I do deserve this, I am glad I'm not like that, I don't trust you not to hurt me, just say I look cute.

But God has something better in Mind...

So Lord, I give these parts of me to you.

mold them into how you'd be,

what you'd say,

what you'd think....